I'm searching for something...

I'm searching for something... // -->

Sunday, November 30

Lost

A kid was at the playground. She found no one there. Yet she seemed to hear those laughters revolving around her. She sat on the swing and waited. Nobody came. Wind was blowing and it was cold. She waited but still nobody came.

Realised that Tiramisu actually meant - Remember me. ¼Ç×¡ÎÒ. =)

Good night everyone. Da jia wan an.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:49 AM

Saturday, November 29

i'm sorry.. sorry... sorry........

i'm an asshole. i'm and idiot. what the fuck.. i really sucks. wonder why had i become like this... i no longer know myself.. i am beginning to lose my reasoning.. what's the use of finishing exams.. make me wanna think more..

don't have high hopes on me anymore.. the more you place on me.. the more i think i amd destined to fail.. i'm useless...

Something so hard
goes straight to the soul;
it seems impossible to get over
and my heart is left with a big hole.

I'm trying to be happy, wearing a smile;
but I'm dying inside.
The world seems to be fading,
and I just want to run and hide.

I should be happy, i should be glad
that he found another her
i find myself drowning without any love
and i just wished that nothing happened

Lifted up those devilish cans
i once again lost my own conscious
I don't know what the hell had i done
all i remembered i couldn't see a thing

I've been pushed down so many times
I feel this time will be the last
as I lay here fading
invaded by memories of my past

I feel the pressures of shame and rejection building
as I lay here on the floor
I have no strength to get up
I'm not worth it any more

I wish I could get help,
I wish it would go away.
Maybe if I keep praying real hard,
it will some day

Everywhere I go I see your face,
and realize how much I miss you;
and on the day you died
a piece of me died too.

i'm sorry guys. i don't know how to face you all. i don't know how to face myself too. maybe i had sub-consiously given up on myself without me knowing.. don't treat me good for i find it hard not to disappoint you all.

to you: i don't know how to face you. i don't know why in the midst of all i told you. maybe i shouldn't and i won't be thinking of how to face you now. i want to ask for a new chance.. but it seems i had asked more than once. and now that i'm asking again.. meant i had lost them all.

i'm trying.. or am i not.. are you guys losing hope on me.... i'm tired... wo hao lei... wo ye hao pa.. hao pa ni meng bu hui zhai guan wo le.. i wanted and i needed you all.. but why am i like pushing away.. wo hao pa... hao pa wo zhen de hui yi ge ren..

Heli Dont ask me why 4:51 AM

Friday, November 28

Wed Nov 26

A peaceful night. Most people would probably at home catching the last few episodes of Holland V. But in Oriental Hotel, me and my friends were attending the sort of last gathering - The Graduation Night 2003

For me, it was a night that was filled with complete mixture of feelings. I was feeling that way because i was happy and excited to see all of us down there just being together looking so nice and at the same time, the harsh reality that we are going to go leave each other. I don't know if they noticed that when i looked at them in the eyes, many thoughts were rushing endlessly through me...

But i guessed the event was really well done. Games played.. Songs sung.. lots of things going on to keep me involved so much so that i didn't really think much about leaving.. Big thanks to you guys.

To SLs: Thanks to all of you. Good job and keep it up. I've seen many of you staying back for meetings, painting banner etc. Some of you worried about if the event will be running well.. haha.. but it's really well carried out. Thanks for everything and thanks a lot. You guys rox! =D

To my lighthouse: Thanks for working with the SLs for making the grad night such a successful event and making the night a part of our fond memories. Thanks for allowing fey to have a night together in the hotel. Hope you had fun with us too.

To Meiyi, Qiuyan, Belinda and rest: Thanks for helping me to make up. Haha.. thanks for hearing me singing in front of you. Thanks Qiu for the house and good lobang for styling my hair. Thanks to Meiyi for the shawl though didn't really use it. I guessed i really for once look abit nice that night ba. haha.. Thanks a lot man.

To mushroom, mianbao, heart: Thanks for shopping with me that day. The dress was very nice but i don't have figure so i wore le abit wasted. haha.. Thanks.

To this special person: Thanks for making my secondary life abit more meaningful. Thanks for the "compliments" you had given me that night. Thanks for taking pics with me too. Xie le.

To all: Thanks for going through the secondary life with me. I enjoyed myself thoroughly that night. When i stood on the stage and i scanned across the whole ballroom, my heart was overwhelmed with great happiness. All of you looked perfect to me and for that moment, i really wished i could be with all of you always. Eternally. Don't know if anyone noticed, i was brimming with tears then. =')

Much as i hope that that very moment will be everlasting, it wouldn't. It's sad though we are leaving each other. Leaving is part and parcel of life and yes, we have to face it. But we are humans.. who would not crave for something that's highly impossible? I couldn't have it all.. and that's the fact. And it's actually the leaving that makes it even more precious. I am happy that night and i thank God and i thank everyone.

10 years.. 20 years.. 30 years down the road.. I will still remember this very day. That very special and magical moment in life.

The moment

Oblique shadows
Remind me
Of the twilight
Of Existence.

Where I stand
Between the
Demands of Intense Activity
And Sleep.

That moment
Of my life
Where I contemplate
Who I am.

That moment
In time
I dare not ask where
I am going.

Sunmottled clouds
Pass me by
And birds collect
On seascape skies

Pairs of people
Busy at play
And I observe them
In my way

When beauty
Surrounds us
Do we know
How to hold

This moment

Heli Dont ask me why 12:22 PM

Wednesday, November 26

Blogging my inner thoughts and feelings has somehow changed. It isn't how it should be. It seems like there are certain rules set that i feel it serves no meaning anymore. Perhaps i should stop blogging.. or would i? I find i difficult to open myself totally and i know its impossible to do so.

I think to reach out to someone isn't easy. Even when doing so, i kept wondering was it the truth that was displayed.. Sometimes i wanted to reach out to someone that it hurts me so. Why is it so hard... or was it i ain fit to do so?

Wonder why i like stars so much. The way they shimmer, the way they twinkle.. they are hopes for me. Are you the star shining for me?

Heli Dont ask me why 12:28 AM

Monday, November 24

Burnt out.

Have no idea what to blog lately. Feel dead tired now. Had been "playing" non-stop since the day i ended my exams. It was all a brisk actually. Actually in the midst of those intensive studying, can't wait for the desired happiness to come. But, what i am experiencing now isn't what i expected. Maybe i'm too tired to enjoy. =/

Thought i could solve things after the exams. But it seems i am running away. I had no idea what i am doing. Don't bring me back those unhappy thoughts. Don't flood me with it. Let me be happy. Let go lET GO! =/

If wishes were star... if.. i wish someone is by my side.

Heli Dont ask me why 12:48 AM

Friday, November 21

Joyeux Anniversaire!

One of the greatest thing in life i ever had and i am glad that God gave me was a person whom watched me from afar in the past and regard me with a certain level of esteem. i only got to know this person think at the beginning of this year ba. A very nice, sweet, easy-going gal... whom likes to report news?

Anyway, today's her special day. Everybody's birthday is a special day. It's a day you celebrate for stepping into this world - wonderful. I have no comments about whether or not it is wonderful because i haven't live life long enough. But i believe someday somewhere somewhat, the whole world will be a nice place to be in. Girl, today's your special day, i'm happy for you. =)

Look at the cluster of stars tonight.
There's one with my name, for you to wish by.
With this one wish on that star i see,
my wish may come true if you wish with me.
Please never forget how special you are,
No matter how near, no matter how far.
You will always be here, deep inside my heart.
So if by chance you happen to see,
That wish filled star shining ever so brightly,
remember, someone's thinking of you,
and that's Me
As you look up and see
it twinkling so bright
Just know it's me,
here thinking of you tonite

Happy Birthday Special One. =)

Heli Dont ask me why 12:37 AM

Wednesday, November 19

To the person who held the same heart and walked the same road as me:

Often in life, one would stop at the crossroads to decide where to go. Someone once told me that it is our choice to be happy or wad. We would make the decision between a road we once walked before which seems easier to fit in.. but a road of misery. It's easier to walk a road that one had gone thru before. It's so much easier and we are used to it. We never really wanted to try the other road that has opened up for us.

And i believed, that this road is God who had make it for us. We don't dare to try the new one because we keep thinking what will be up ahead, what will happen and so on and so forth. We feared hurts, feared to meet some unexpected or unwanted things. But then it's also a road we might get to experience things we never did and there's so much surprised hiding out there. But still, we choose the old path

Almost everyone does that. What would be worst is when we ourselves know that that's the road to a more hopeful life, we rejected it and took the same old path. Try the new path my friend. Don't forget, you're not alone if you ever encounter anything. Remember i shared the same road and same heart as you? =)

"When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times, we look so long at the closed doors that we don't see the one which has been opened for us..." - the very special message for you. Take care.

Heli Dont ask me why 8:09 AM

Don't understand how things had become. I thought there would be a better change after what had happened. I thought things would change for the better. but NO. Don't ask me why. I hadn't had a slightest idea that i would be in such state now. Not that its pathetic. I am much fortunate then many out there. And all i can do is to watch, and just watch helplessly and desire for unexpected things.

It's too bright. Turn off the light. I am blinded.

Heli Dont ask me why 12:20 AM

Monday, November 17

"Please God, help to show me the way.
Lead me down the right path,
give me the strength to carry on.
It's so lonely here by myself
with so many things to do.
I need you to give me the faith
to see me through."

Heli Dont ask me why 11:40 PM

The Tears Are Falling

My heart feels such pain,
tell me how to stop my tears.
What can I do to ease the pain?

Why, has life always been so hard,
showering me with such heavy burdens?

The tears keep falling
as I lay down to sleep.
My eyes wide open,
flashes of my past,
Of things I lost in my life.

As the tears fall, memories
floating around in my mind,
going back in time.
Remembering all the good times
When I had it all.

The tears are falling like a summer rain,
wishing I could turn back time.
Never thinking one day, there would
be no you here beside me.

With tears falling down my face,
Knowing there is nothing left
but my memories of times past,
When you were there beside me
Keeping me safe.
Making all the problems seem small
As you are standing so tall.

No tears of sorrow,
only Love, hope and happiness,
Never thinking of tomorrow.

Now as my tears are falling
there is no one here to wipe them away.
Just my hands of loneliness
Praying, what to do.

I stare at nothing,trying to decide
where do I go from here,
Which way do I turn?

The tears are falling, remembering
all the things I took for granted,
now that all is lost and gone.

As I wipe the tears falling down my face
I look up to the sky and pray.
"Please God, help to show me the way.
Lead me down the right path,
give me the strength to carry on.
It's so lonely here by myself
with so many things to do.
I need you to give me the faith
to see me through."

The tears have stopped falling.
With God's help I'll figure out
what I need to do.
It may not be the best,
But it's the best that I can do,
Living my life by myself, without you.

Heli Dont ask me why 2:14 AM

Thursday, November 13

FINE. WO MEI YOU HUA SHUO. =x

Heli Dont ask me why 11:06 PM

Stars.

"i stared up to the sky. a star dropped to the earth. told since young that a fallen star meant someone out there is sad. i silently uttered and wished to heaven. "... i want to see that star again... " when i blinked, it's up there.. still shining brightly. "

I suddenly remembered this. And now then i realise, actually it sounded so nice. So full of hope. Stars - one of the greatest gift to earth. Star.. one of the greatest companion i ever have.

Dark thoughts. It's haunting me again.

*I hate unwanted truths. I hate the truth that's in front of me. Bottom line - Life sucks.

Heli Dont ask me why 2:41 AM

Wednesday, November 12

So what if i know YOU or YOU or YOU?

I looked around me. And i saw many faces.. each day passing by me. I used to ask myself this question, "Out of all these many, how many are true?" and i asked myself once more. I find it hard to push my way out of this endless crowding. I need to find my own space to breathe, i need to get away.

I find myself staring at the big sea today.. and just plainly observing the peaceful world out there. Seagulls just flying across the sky. Ships just passing by. Waves that hit the rocks hard. I have the mood that is beyond words. But its close to relief. Yet i have no idea what i am relieved about.

It is a wonder that someone can feel happy and at the same time his or her heart ache at the same time. Or maybe i felt that way only. I shut my eyes from this world and i sank. Somehow i just wished one day i will sink in the wide ocean and i wonder how is the feeling going to be like.

A matchstick is always a matchstick. How can it be compared to a lighter. When one uses a matchstick, he would throw it away. But not a lighter. Who would want to keep a used matchstick that serve no purpose after being lighted?

DUN CARE ME

Heli Dont ask me why 2:35 AM

Sunday, November 9

Look out for the one..

When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times, we look so long at the closed doors that we don't see the one which has been opened for us...

To you my friend: Life goes on. Don't stumble and stop forever. Time waits for no man.

Heli Dont ask me why 11:28 PM

The Two

Left me dumbfounded. Left me in deep thoughts. Left me sinking.

Does stubborn meant childishness? I am stubborn. Very. They mentioned things i never really thought it through before. My inner self finds it hard to accept it. i don't know, i am too stubborn i guess.

Find strength from within yourself and pull out from the darkness.

I have faith and trust in you.

Heli Dont ask me why 2:48 AM

Saturday, November 8

Walking away

One by one, my steps carry me further away. I turned back and looked, "why had i chosen't walk away again?" The question leave me with no answers, and so i walked on.

Went to look through my past entires and found out that most of them sounded like i was yearning for something. And it's all yearning for the same thing i guess.

Enjoy the silence of the night or maybe just the sounds of the raindrops falling on the earth. Sometimes i find it hard to express out what i'm thinking and want to say.. and i ended up saying nothing.

just like this entry.

Heli Dont ask me why 5:18 AM

Friday, November 7

Are you?

Sometimes i prefered to walk and look up, observing everything revolve around me...

Sometimes i prefered to walk with my head down, looking at my own shoes...

I felt as if i am walking down the lane, and i am looking down. . I shouldn't stop at where i am now. I have no choice.

As i walked, i realise my shadow is with me all the while. I am with myself all the time, but are you?

Heli Dont ask me why 2:53 AM

Wednesday, November 5

If give you have only one choice...

would you rather pick up the broken pieces of my heart...?

Shui lai bang wo jian wo na puo shui de xing..

or

would you rather fix them up again for me...?

Shui lai bang wo ba ta meng fan hui qu..

=/

Heli Dont ask me why 11:52 PM

Tuesday, November 4

Tears

I realised that when a person cry, the vision is blurred for just a moment. and then when u blinked more, things somehow seems clearer to you then before.

Tears would not fall that easily. They only fall when the bottle couldn't hold it any longer then they spill. What is worst is, it overflows only but the bottle is still full. When you are sad and you just can't pour them out, that will be tragic.

Where are you when i needed you.. who is the you that i needed most.. are you willing to carry the broken pieces of my shattered heart.. where are you?

Heli Dont ask me why 5:18 PM

Monday, November 3

The game has begun.

Heli Dont ask me why 4:25 PM

Sunday, November 2

What are you thinking now?

Hm.. many of you should be thinking about some physics formula.. some emath formula..

Right. Tomorrow will be the start of my papers. Believe it a not, my heart was like suffocating in the morning before i went to church because i was so tense up because of tmr. But after and during the church service, there was a sense of let go. I felt so alright and i don't feel tense or worried at all. Glad that i went to church today. Didn't want to go initially. He answered my prayers that i had been bothered for the past week and i felt so relieved after the whole service. And it reinforces me the fact that He is always around. I can feel that He's there.

Anyway, all the best to all those taking o's. Tomorrow is the day where you displayed your months of hardwork. I've seen many of you putting in a lot of effort. Don't worry, everything is already well lay out. Just walk through this together, holding on to one another. We will get there.

When we travel on the mountain roads, sometimes you go low and sometimes you go high. You would capture the sun when you are high but you will see darkness when you are low. But be it low or high, the sun is always there. Have trust in Him and travel your road in peace.

Don't be conscious of the fear. You manifest your fear because you are conscious of it.

I have faith in you.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:10 PM

Saturday, November 1

My O Level Timetable

03 November (Mon):
0800 – 1000 E-math Paper 1
1400 – 1515 Science Paper 2 [ physics ]
_____________________________________________

04 November (Tue):
0800 – 0930 English Paper 1
1000 – 1130 English Paper 2
1400 – 1530 Combined Humanities Paper 1 [ ss ]
_____________________________________________

06 November (Thur):
0800 – 1030 E-math Paper 2
1400 – 1530 History Paper 1
_____________________________________________

07 November (Fri):
0800 – 1000 Chinese Paper 1
1430 – 1600 Chinese Paper 2
_____________________________________________

10 November (Mon):
0800 – 1000 A-math Paper 1
_____________________________________________

17 November (Mon):
1400 – 1530 Combined Humanities Paper 2 [ geog ]
_____________________________________________

18 November (Tue):
0800 – 1000 A-math Paper 2
1400 – 1515 Science Paper 3 [ chemistry ]
_____________________________________________

19 November (Wed):
1400 – 1530 History Paper 2
_____________________________________________

21 November (Fri):
0800 – 0900 Science Paper 1 [ mcq ]
_____________________________________________

Heli Dont ask me why 7:47 PM

Should be studying now.. but i decide to post something here each time i take a short break.. wonder what time am i going to sleep... hm...

02:03 AM - "xiang zuo xiang you xiang qian kan..." lols. i am singing..

03:04 AM - Listening to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon - The Eternal Vow. Hm.. a sad piece of music.. instrumental version so no lyrics.. but its enough to bring out the feelings of the story. 3 plus le.. don't know whether can sleep a not...

03:23 AM - We will get there. Song sung during the Shanghai trip last year. yeah.. nice memories of us doing the dance outside our rooms in the middle of the night when everybody's sleeping. Memories of us getting drown in pillows and crushing one another.. wow... time flies. It was as if everything happened yesterday.. can't imagine in two days time i am taking my o's. Gosh.

03:42 AM - Shu guang by Sharon Au. One of my favourite song. I realise i like songs that have meaningful lyrics. And this song has it all. When i feel lonely, and i listen to this song, sort of comfort me a little. "den dai tian liang.. qi dai shu guang.." haha... i am waiting for the dawn... in about 2 to 3 hrs time...

04:09 AM - Love Concerto by Kelly Chan. Know this song? it goes ".. how gentle is the rain, that falls softly on the meadow.." nice song huh. Like it very much too. Hehe.. next time my wedding i want play this song. haha.. one of my marriage mood again.. bah.. study study..

04:26 AM - The Green Hope (Instrumental Version) - Can't help but feel terribly lonely when i hear this song. It's not a sad lonely feeling but rather just an alone feeling. Like walking away from the streets.. just walking and walking.. =/

04:44 AM - CANNOT TAHAN LE..... O_o ZZZ...

Heli Dont ask me why 4:41 AM

Personal